There’s no love there though, we’ve clearly moved on. I have my stuff together…own my own place, pursuing an MBA, good job, do the best for my kids, and I’m in a good place right now.
I’m not looking to rush back into a marriage, but I’m looking to date with an intent on finding a relationship.
Since I counsel men and women before, during and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, a lot of times one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.' Once it's been decided by one, or both, partners to end the relationship, most typically both of partners start seeking a new relationship. If you really care about your new love interest then you'll apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
Each situation is different but what you can say with a high degree of certainty is that someone who’s just fallen out of their marriage, who’s still in reconciliation negotiations, who’s still very influenced by their spouse, and who has been separated for a long time ‘just because’, is going to bring pain into your life.
Same goes for someone who’s not over their divorce and has beliefs that affect their ability to be committed.
I’m of a certain age so I need to prepare myself for turning a blind eye to any code amber / red actions and indications because people in this age group tend to be recently broken up / separated / divorced‘. There’s no easy answer to the question of what the ‘right time’ is for dating a separated or recently divorced person.
What you have to keep in mind is that separated is still married until the divorce is finalised and that means that there’s likely to be emotional as well as legal ties.It's safe to assume that most people can present themselves in a way that looks normal on Tinder. We then went out with friends, which was followed by beer and then going home. Me: slogging forward while missing my life in Oregon. In that twisted way, I started to fall for him, despite everything I knew about him. I wanted to move forward without being hung up on my last relationship. I expected it to be easy, and I wanted him to help me get over my ex. Side chick status until tomorrow." Maybe it was the way we crossed into territory when he said they weren't sleeping together anymore (although he was spending some nights at the house.) Maybe it was when I blushed at the thought of him. Maybe it was the way he was with his son that made me love him. It was the way I knew he was lying to me about how their relationship really was, because we all know that things are more complicated than they appear. It's easy to whip up a few seemingly innocuous lines, slap your most flattering photos up there and swipe away. We spent hours in bed, talking, hooking up, and breaking for more conversation. He was perfectly imperfect, perfect in his imperfections. Him: trying to navigate how to co-parent while figuring out his marriage was truly over. There were red flags all over the damn place, but choosing to ignore them felt better than acknowledging that there were real potential problems hovering beneath the surface. I knew that I was willingly making myself into a sidepiece. I knew better than to sleep with him, but I did it anyway– until I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to find someone that felt good to be around. If you come across as a normal human being and not an over-sexualized creep during the first conversation, well, then you are already ahead of the curve. We started talking, then texting, and he told me straight-up that he'd been separated for six months. I would text him something funny to start off the day, and we would spend the majority of the day talking about what made each other tick. We shared the little things, the childhood things, the adult things, the big things. It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed.